“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi

Why should I forgive someone?

To understand why forgiveness is not just good for us but also necessary for our well-being and individual evolution, I think it is wise to start by exploring why we sometimes don’t want to forgive.

When we don’t want to forgive, it is partly because of our desire to punish the other for what they have done, to make them suffer. Another reason could be that we have been holding on to the memory of being wronged for so long that being mad at someone has become a part of our identity. Non-forgiveness keeps us trapped in the past, in a story, which carries with it the emotions from the past, so we hold on to emotions like resentment, anger, and hatred, sometimes combined with thoughts of revenge. How does it feel when we harbor these emotions? Do we enjoy them? At first thought, of course not. However, strangely enough, people do enjoy some of these emotions. Wonder why? Because they often come together with a sense of righteousness. Unfortunately, there is nothing righteous in holding a grudge at someone else because they did something wrong, rather in thinking and acting morally right. So, when we don’t forgive, we neither actually punish the other, nor are we truly righteous.

My father (a psychologist) taught me that long-lasting emotions become states, lasting states become our personality, and if these emotions are on the negative spectrum, it is a recipe for an unpleasant way of living and sometimes a serious psychosomatic disease. The point being, forgiveness is for our own good.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

― Nelson Mandela

What is in the way of forgiveness?

If forgiveness is good for us and it is the right thing to do, why is it so difficult? In one of his lectures, Gabor Mate advises us to drop the idea that “you should forgive.” Instead, he argues, “The question is not why you should forgive but what is in the way of forgiveness?” If we truly understand that holding on to our anger is never healthy for us, the desire to forgive appears naturally. However, the desire to forgive is not the same as the ability to truly forgive. Some of my clients find themselves in a peculiar situation where they truly want to forgive, and simultaneously there is something in them that fights against it. This apparent contradiction inside our minds, unless it is seen, accepted, and investigated compassionately, can create an even bigger inner conflict, instead of the desired healing through forgiveness. However, if we dive into that part of ourselves that fights against forgiving, we might find some lingering pain. Feeling that pain without any resistance is the healing! This kind of situation can also be seen as an opportunity to forgive ourselves for not being able to forgive, instead of judging ourselves for not being capable of going “full Jesus mode.”

“Forgive them father for they know not what they do.” 

― Jesus

It is imperative that we accept that forgiveness is sometimes challenging and ensure we don’t force it, or worse, lie to ourselves that we have already forgiven. It is better to be honest with ourselves, admit that there is still some anger within that doesn’t allow us to forgive just yet, rather than play the role of that highly evolved spiritual being who has already forgiven everyone. Because, in the end, forgiveness is about freeing ourselves, and we cannot lie to ourselves and be free at the same time.

“The day I forgave the Nazis is the day I freed myself.”

― An Auschwitz survivor

How to forgive?

Once, I was riding my bike on the city’s new bike lanes, about fifty meters in front of me I saw two girls walking exactly in the middle of it. I rang my bell a few times, and they didn’t move. When I came closer, I noticed that they were listening to music from the same headphones, singing, and enjoying their lives completely oblivious to their surroundings. I had to go on the pedestrian pathway to go around them. In my mind, there was judgment; in my body, anger. While in that state, not even a minute later, there was a dog again in the middle of the same bike lane. This time I went around it just as before, but this time without a single thought or emotion disturbing me. When I understood that it was technically the same obstacle, and the same solution, but a completely different reaction on my part, I had to stop and understand why. 

I realized that I had no expectation that the dog should know, whereas the girls should have known. Remember the quote from Jesus above? It’s easier to forgive someone when we don’t have any expectation that they should know or be aware of their wrongdoing. Someone once said that if Jesus were alive now, he would phrase that sentence a bit differently: “Forgive them father because they are not aware of what they are doing.” In this case, “to know” and “to be aware” is the same thing. 

So, our ability to forgive someone comes from the possibility of understanding that people only act from their level of awareness. It is as simple as that. And if we expect that they should know better and act differently, that just points to our own level of awareness and our lack of understanding of human nature.

“If they are unconscious, how can we talk about responsibility?”

― Eckhart Tolle

We act and react driven by our subconscious mind, unresolved trauma, habits, beliefs, culture, and so on. None of the above is our fault. Nor is our level of awareness. However, it is our responsibility, and within our power, to heal ourselves and reach a higher level of awareness. And if we find ourselves unable to forgive, then we surely have some healing and growing up to do.

“Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is the ancient and eternal law.” 

― Buddha

Is it possible to live in such a way that there is nothing blocking our forgiveness?

I think some people have already proven it to be possible, some of them I have quoted here. When and if we reach such a level of awareness that nothing blocks our forgiveness, it stops being something we do and becomes a way of being.

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.